i tried my best to come on and get happy. i tried to pack all my cares away. i tried to swim as soon as i hit the water, but i got swallowed by the waves. the waves that used to calm me, used to stabilize my gears. now i've dropped the oars, my boat's going down, and i can't find any piers. forgive me if i'm not talking, i'm just having a shitty day, a shitty week, a shitty month, a shitty life stuck in this place. don't put it on the world or on yourself, there's really nothing to fear; someday, somewhere we'll find comfort, i just can't find any here.

i hope that it works out this time around cause i can't take any more of this year. pockets full of lint, small bone chipped off my chin. if there are people like me, there must be people like you. do believers really get what they want? sometimes i think i've got it wrong, or i just haven't seen what's been there in front of me. everything we say is just bullshit, but we wanna hear it anyway. nothing good is gonna come from this i know, but i'm gonna do it anyway. we're all fools in this game, but we can't hate ourselves cause we try so damn hard all the time. i'll light your cigarette if you light mine. close the curtain down, say goodnight. i can't do this anymore.

crawled into bed and i was just a kid with life ahead of me, and i woke a bitter jaded mess, devoid of spirit at 19. years have passed, i still find myself failing to leave. oh god i feel it now, i've lost the flame that maintains my heat. the sun it rose again. surprise, surprise, the cycle never ends. days bleed to the next, i'm losing time and the dust collects. i've gone and lost a friend, she left in that hospital bed. the waiting room's a mess of stillborn thoughts and all of our unrest. found normalcy in medication, can't find my way back. found nausea in interaction, but also in the lack. despondency is sold so well, and your friends all stand and clap, so take a bow and take the blame, cause they can see right through your act. the sun it rose again. surprise, surprise, the cycles never end. days bleed to the next, i'm losing time and the dust collects. i've gone and lost a friend, she left in that hospital bed. the living room's a mess of stillborn thoughts and all of our distress. i'm having a hard time with this.

wake up, put on sunday best. the tie's a noose around my neck. you promise me the world, but if the truth be told i'm not interested. the desire is inherent, to work and save a couple cents. i just wasn't born with it, i guess i'll have to find a way to be content now i'm speeding down a highway lane. the pursuit of payment, it's such a pain. it's supposed to be my domain, but these hard lights are driving me insane. this isn't healthy for my brain. i can feel myself deteriorate. four walls keep me locked away, and it kills me but i've got to stay. spent the better part of my youth believing things don't need proof. i was a frightened child choking down spoonfuls of untruth. now i'm wasting adulthood clocking into somewhere i don't wanna be. it's a necessity, but if we are the cogs i want out of that machine. the desire is inherent, i'm waiting for a bird to land. they keep circling, but who would want to hold these filthy hands? i've bitten hard, i took the bait, but you know chemicals have expiration dates. you're running out of love in your brain, but i swear you've got what i need to be tame. you're running around my thoughts again. you're so goddamned energetic. pursuit of pleasure, it's such a pain, and the city light's are only trying to keep me away. now i'm running out of things to say, the words they fill an empty space. we've sat like this a couple days, but i can't make these bedposts my place. think of all your love i've seen, but now it's so unappealing. it's a necessity, but if we are the cogs i want out of that. to get away is not enough, you'll never make your mind up. i'm still stuck in this spot, life is happening wherever i'm not. they're always dressed in black and white, saying "let me bet you half my shit i'm gonna love you until one of us dies." i'm never leaving this spot, life is happening everywhere i'm not. i know your brain will never bend, you've got some bruises i wish i could mend, but i guess i'll leave it be until i get drunk and tell you i love you again. good things come to those who wait, but tell me when's it gonna be my day? it's simply symmetry, but if we are the cogs i want out of that machine. applicant- i'm going to kill myself and i know exactly how to do it. i'll wake up one morning despondent desiring alone. i'll dress up get into my car drive ten fifteen thirty minutes on one of many death traps of congested highways. i'll park, get out and lock the door behind me, stand in line with the rest of those hoping to kill themselves. i'll spend five minutes alone in a tiny, stuffy room with a tiny, stuffy man claiming to be in charge. i'll tell him my strengths. i'll tell him my weaknesses though not all of them, out of fear I may not be able to kill myself. we'll make an agreement papers will be signed and soon the noose he gives me will be tied tight as I slave away in his four walls: a refuse for none, except for those longing to kill themselves.

tis the season, but i don't feel very jolly. all this red and green feels grey and it seems i've lost my spirit. santa baby, could you bring me a good night's sleep, a sense of comfort, a sense of purpose even though i fear it, a sense of knowing that i'm where i need to be? tis the season, drown in pleasantries. a shake of hands, exchange a glance, and wish a happy holiday. but i'm working hard, i've got an empty belly and christmas is just one more bill i'm gonna have to pay. if i make it home, i hope you'll understand why there's less shimmer, there's less passion and more cuts upon my hands. still just a little drummer boy who can't buy fancy gifts, but i swear i'll try my best to cross the items off your list. all i want for christmas is just a little bliss. all i want for christmas is to not feel this.

so lately i've been thinking but couldn't get to inking these thoughts that've been running around my brain. you still wait for something, no words but you keep singing, assuming your life's gonna change. i feel like a transient in the town i helped build, cause there's nothing there to keep me engaged. when all interest is lost and we seem to only piss you off, i'd best just stay in my cage. have a drink, have five more. this lifestyle's becoming a bore. all i have left are these songs in my throat, but even that's becoming a chore. our joints are growing weary, and we try to keep cheery but it gets harder to concentrate. so we avoid confrontation and joke about our expiration, knowing it'll happen someday. i'm still young i'm not in any rush, this emptiness is obvious, but i'm fine with it staying that way. i won't care about love, the lack thereof, the presence of anything up above, cause all i've got left is this shitty day to day. all good things, they must end. even the good kings all descend. if you need it, i've got a hand to lend. i'm just glad i have at least a couple friends. there's a feather on your should cause you're another year older, but it sure as hell don't feel that way. you should be getting bolder, but everything is colder as the orange sky's shifting to grey. mother can you hear me? in this vacuum i am screaming and no one's there to keep me from floating away. mother i am floundering, but i swear to you i'm trying. though it's futile, i've no choice but to remain.

i took my love, i took it down. climbed a mountain and i turned around, and i saw my reflection in the snow covered hills til the landslide brought me down. oh mirror in the sky, what is love? can the child within my heart rise above? can i sail through the changing ocean tides? can i handle the seasons of my life? well, i've been afraid of changing cause i've built my life around you. but time makes bolder, even children get older and I'm getting older too. i'm getting older too.

so here i sit again, accepting what i see. these walls are unfamiliar, i don't know what surrounds me. who is that in the mirror, what am i becoming? my body, it is fading along with my memories. moments of clarity, they disappear. all disparity, it perseveres. there's hilarity in keeping faith. is it even worth to keep giving grace? so put your face up to my cage, i've got something to say. i don't remember days when we were young and it was beautiful. there's a tugging at the sheets, i swear you're there but it's just me. this pain's preventing me from sleep, the night was long and it was just leave me with my showtunes, they'll keep my brain from going blue. don't believe the poison i spew or forget me as i have you. i've seen you a million times before, now i can't recall you anymore. the sun sinks as the moon will slowly rise. this old world keeps spinning 'round, you can close your eyes.

you try your best to cope with the way you're built with pipes and pills you have no favorite color, no favorite film, no heat in your kiln. and i'm trying harder not to call you out. you were such a martyr, but forgot what you fought about. your parents, they say you've got it wrong. your boyfriend, he's been there all along. and i know that you can't hide your scars, but you can't get by just shuffling your cards. you panic in the classroom, burst out the door, fall to the floor. you don't want anybody watching as you fight your core, keep your feelings stored away. and you're trying harder to find your place here. you were such a martyr til you found a way to disappear. you ended in the courtyard, water in your lungs and nothing but a deck of cards and words still on your tongue.

i'm trying to save us from this hole. don't worry about it, let me take control. the truth is we can't pay this toll and they won't miss anything that you stole. so we plan our entrance, plan our getaway, plan on being quick, no matter what they say. pull up to the curb and leave the engine on, in a few short minutes we'll be gone. hands up, throw your bodies to the ground. don't make any motion, nobody make a sound. careful what you say my darling, don't throw our names around. hands up, throw your bodies down. what do you say now, what do you see? is there anybody out there, is it just you and me? hold tight to my hand now, i'm sure we'll break free. throw your bodies down, don't you even breathe.

you've been holding your breath much too long, living on nothing but memories foregone. your silence is screaming for me to come on, but you can't find anywhere that you belong. the knocks on the door, the rings of the phone constant reminders that you're all alone. you wish they could see how much you've grown and abandoned the accidents to which you were prone. the smell of your hair, the sound when you speak (cringe) are damn near enough to make my knees go weak. (cringe) you were happier then, back when you were meek, and it's impossible to find yourself while your bed creaks. (cringe) your lack of astuteness, your bad resolutions have got me all tangled up in knots. your bodily pollution, no chance of absolution, don't think for one second that i have forgot. to ask me why be honest when the whole world's a lie is like asking why live if we're living to die. but you're still convinced that the end is nigh, is it easy for you to put everything aside and just drive? you've turned into someone i'd never stand by, but you're just like a drug and i need to get high. i'd like to be the one upon whom you rely, but you've put everything aside and believed the lies. all of your life you've been ignored, wishing that you could be the one that's adored. no one ever told you, "be careful what you wish for," and now you just wish you could be restored. (some of these words now make me cringe but i think it's important to show how one grows and how priorities and minds change etc.)

there's nothing you can say to bring it back you've strayed away and now you're trapped between the ones who claim to love you and those who do don't be so distraught get out of your box and run just like a fox everything i've done and i have yet to do won't justify the way that i have treated you and everything will be construed if you come back but you forgot everything that we've begot. someday i'll hear a knock, you'll push me down then say that you can not, and then you'll run just like a fox.